


my biggest monster

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst with a soft ending, Established Relationship, Family, Gen, M/M, Robert's issues with Jack, daddy!Robron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 22:59:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11976852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: robert's fear, the one which keeps him awake at night, is making his children feel like he did because of his father's behaviour.





	my biggest monster

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for Lauren @robertsuggles to make her cry and ONLY her because of this reaction to an amazing gifset: http://robertsuggers.tumblr.com/post/164667131164  
> but then it turned out that everyone was shouting at me for making them cry too!

  
Aaron's left the milk out and it's unusable now. It's ridiculous but that's what starts it.

Robert's _tired_ , like his bones ache and he feels his eyes sting and everything is heavy around him, and Aaron's just gone and left the milk out.

It shouldn't matter but it does.

Because Annie's not going to get to sleep tonight without her formula and that means neither is he and he _needs_ to get a few hours before he's back at it again tomorrow, smiling at another dickhead in a suit who he needs to sign a deal.

Robert gulps hard as he shuts the door, slams it more like and Aaron's turning around to him.

Annie's in his arms and he's rocking her back and forth. For a second Robert's heart melts but then he thinks about the fucking milk and everything else and it all turns heavy around him again.

"You're late." Aaron says, comes over and presses a kiss to Robert's cheek before pulling away. "What's wrong?" He's asking, because he can sense it already and it makes him frown. "Have you had a -"

Robert passes Aaron and pulls his tie off. "You've left the milk out." He says, doesn't even raise his head as he kicks his shoes off and walks towards the kitchen.

He sees the look on Aaron's face, his cheeks redden like he's embarrassed and it makes Robert's chest jolt.

"Oh shit." Aaron says quickly, puts Annie down and rubs at his head. "I've had a really long day I -"

" _You've_ had a long day?" Robert snaps, and it's a problem between them. It has been since Aaron decided not to go back to work for a while, decided that Annie needed at least one of her dads with her for the majority of the day.

They both ignore the fact that it's really because Jacob had meningitis when he was three months old and it was Chas who was with him. Both of them had gone back to work, accepted the help which was readily available.

And Aaron completely _broke_ down. He switched off and Jacob was the only person in the world he allowed himself to care about.

It was more than just a little bleak.

Aaron looks uncomfortable and then gulps. "Yeah as it happens." He says and Robert just scoffs at him. "What the hell is your problem?"

Robert shakes his head, tries to pass Aaron again and this time his husband stops him.

"Robert." He pushes out, hard, fast. He's worried, he has been for days because Robert keeps closing off and shutting down.

Aaron tries to say something and then Robert shakes his head. "I'm tired alright?" He snaps, makes his way towards the stairs and then nearly trips on Jacob's toy car. "For _fucks_ sake." He screams and it makes Annie start bawling her eyes out, makes Robert feel guilty suddenly.

He goes to get her and Aaron is there quicker. "You need to go take a breather." He's saying, voice cold and distant and Robert pulls back. "I'm not having you around our kids when you're -"

Robert scowls, feels his heart hammering in his chest as he picks up his keys, charges towards the door and -

"Just talk to me about your dad's headstone and then we can _move_ on from it."

Because it's been at the back of his mind. Aaron knows, he knows that Robert cried in the shower out of nowhere and made Aaron want to cry with him.

Robert gulps hard and turns around, face reddening as he hears his husband.

The headstone was ruined. And Aaron was partly to blame. At least in his mind.

Lads we're fighting, Aaron weighed in, pushed one of them back and -

It was already in need of repairing, falling away and then some stupid kids went and made it worse and Robert couldn't ignore it.

"It has nothing to do -" Robert tries to push out, he tries to lie basically and it's hard because this is Aaron and Aaron knows him better than anyone else in the world.

Aaron comes closer, "Just be _honest_ with me. You haven't been yourself since Vic told you about having to get it completely re-done."

Robert's eyes sting again, he has to pull a hand over his forehead and then he's thinking about when he went to see the damage. He went alone. He shouldn't have because it meant that he felt able to react honestly and it shocked him to the core. Somehow he felt like he was looking at his father, what was left of him and it was broken and tainted and -

"I don't want to talk about it." Robert's shouting and Aaron sighs hard, forced to put Annie back down and gently kiss her nose as she starts to become restless again.

"Yeah, I think I get that." Aaron says sarcastically. "But I do, and I'm sick of you dealing with whatever you are all by yourself." He pushes out, comes closer to his husband and lightly pushes at his chest. "So _talk_."

Robert squints hard, hates himself because this should be _easy_ but it isn't and Aaron's making it worse. "I'm not _dealing_ with anything, stop being so dramatic Aaron."

Something flickers over Aaron's face, it's hurt. "You can't keep going on like this." He says adamantly, a hand out as Robert pushes his head down.

"Yeah?" Robert raises his head. "Like you're suddenly Mr. Open. God, I can't even _mention_ granddads without you _flinching_."

And he doesn't even mean it, he feels awful as soon as he says it because it's the worst thing he could throw at Aaron if he wanted to.

And Aaron, he loses it.

"How fucking dare you?" Aaron's hissing, face red, eyes filled with tears. "You - you're really comparing yours to mine? Are we really fucking doing -"

Robert shakes his head hard. "I didn't mean that." He's saying, "You just - I don't want to to talk about him alright? I don't want to -"

Aaron frowns, "And that's my fault?" He's saying, voice ragged as he steps back and then Robert's holding his arm. "Get off me Robert." He bites.

Robert doesn't, instead he just sighs. "You just keep pushing and pushing me and -"

Aaron pulls away from Robert's grip and something breaks in his chest. "Go then." He shouts, "If I'm such a bloody nag, just do one." He says, and he's completely done, drained from days of trying with Robert and getting absolutely no where.

Robert frowns, takes a step back. "And you'd _love_ that wouldn't ya? You can practise your 'I'm Aaron and I can do it all on my own' act that you just -"

The sight of Jacob by the stairs makes Robert twist his head around. He's wearing his train pyjamas which are a size too big for him and make him wear them like Aaron wears his jumpers, all stretched out at the arms.

"Daddy giant read me a story." Jacob's asking, swinging a little on the stairs and looking down at his dads.

"Not now Jakey, go up to bed." Robert says, there's still anger in his voice, it's all directed to Aaron for wanting him to leave, for digging about Jack, for leaving the fucking milk out.

Jacob frowns, "But I -"

" _Bed_." Robert says, firm, almost cold and Aaron's eyes widen.

"It's okay baby, just - just go back up to bed." Aaron's always so soft, too soft, gentle and loving in a way Robert has always secretly struggled with at times.

Jacob looks like he's going to burst out crying, little hands firm around the banisters and Robert can't look at him.

"Jacob go." Robert says, looking towards the floor, feels something stretch and tug in his heart and then Aaron's in front of him.

"Don't take this out on him." He's shouting, "Don't take it out on my little boy because -"

" _Our_ little boy you - you pri -"

His eyes let him down, they travel to where Jacob is and he sees him sitting there with a tear rolling down his face and it _guts_ him completely.

He's seeing himself. He's seeing a little boy who's dad wasn't listening to him, who was just being loud and aggressive and shouting and taking everything out on his mum who was only trying to settle him and -

He sat there through it all, felt his dad roughly push past him when it was over.

And he's done it to his own boy, he's made him cry over him fighting and -

"Oh, I'm _sorry_." Robert says, his feet sliding across to where Jacob is sitting. He's so small, smaller than Robert had been and he doesn't ever deserve to see that.

Aaron feels his heart do something mad and it doesn't take long until there's tears in his eyes and he's watching Robert hold Jacob close and kiss his head.

"I'm so sorry buddy." Robert presses a kiss to Jacob's head and shudders, he doesn't want to cry but he is, he's fucking breaking down because he's turned out just like his dad hasn't he?

He doesn't want to be like that.

He doesn't want to be like that.

He doesn't want to be like _that_.

Aaron kneels down beside them and looks at Jacob softly, "I think daddy needs some cuddles." He tells him, watches their boy hug at Robert's neck and bring him down a little so that he can reach him.

"Shh don't cry daddy." Jacob whispers, his little hands rubbing at his father's back and he's always had this kindness about him which Robert knows comes from Aaron.

"Me and daddy, we didn't mean to make you cry." Robert whispers, raises his head finally and looks away from his son, looks towards Aaron. "Because I - I love you both _so_ much." He whispers and Aaron sniffs, nods his head.

"And Annie." Jacob says, the best big brother Aaron and Robert could ask for.

"Of course." Aaron whispers, strokes at Jacob's hair and then sighs. "Me and daddy need you to be a big boy and go up to bed by yourself whilst we make friends again."

Robert smiles at his boy, "And then I promise I'll read you a story." He says and that's all it takes for Jacob to be climbing the stairs again and disappearing out of sight.

Robert stays where he is for a few seconds and Aaron gives him space, goes towards the sofa and cradles Annie who's somehow managed to stay content with a play toy during it all.

He waits until he hears footsteps approaching him and then sights Robert sliding next to him on the sofa.

He doesn't cry, but he had done on the stairs with Jacob.

It makes Aaron worry more than he should.

"Is it me?" Aaron says, chews at his lip and gulps.

Robert frowns, a hand over Annie's cheek, "Is what you?" He's asking, his voice soft and gentle again and he resents how horrible he was before. He hates himself.

Aaron clears his throat, tries not to get emotional. "You said all I do is push and push and - I know it's been difficult recently with Annie and - and having to look after Jakey as well but I'm trying Rob."

It makes everything prickle in Robert and he presses himself closer to his husband, shakes his head. "It's not you." He whispers into his ear, sees the way Aaron's shoulders relax. "You're doing _amazing_ okay? You - you _are_ amazing." He says, like it's a promise. Aaron raises his head, he doesn't believe it but he doesn't say anything.

Robert blows out a breath, feels unsteady.

"Seeing the headstone like that, it just threw me. I've been walking around with all these memories and - and I've been thinking about what he'd _say_ and," he drops his head and he's a kid again who just desperately wanted his father to be proud of him for _something_. "It shouldn't even matter to me." He raises his head and Aaron's got tears in his eyes.

"It's okay if it does." He whispers, hand over Robert's. "He was your dad Robert. It's okay to - to think about -"

"Look what happens when I do." Robert waves out a hand. "I make my own son cry." He says, looks at Aaron and holds his face. "Please don't - don't go or anything okay. I'm sorry."

Aaron frowns, sniffs. "I know you are." He whispers, "And so am I." He looks down at Annie and then smiles.

"You're so good with her." Robert whispers, gulps hard.

Aaron looks at Robert and frowns. "So are you."

"I made Jacob _cry_ Aaron." He explains, eyes glassy. "Just like my dad made me cry." He can't even look over at Aaron when he sees the look on his face. "I watched him fight with mum, over and over again and it hurt. He'd carry on like I wasn't even there, like he didn't even see me crying on the stairs." He blows out a breath, feels Aaron graze a hand over his. "I don't want that for our son."

Annie's settled so Aaron pulls her down on the sofa and wraps her in blankets, he's holding back the way he wants to hug Robert and wipe away any of this pain he's feeling.

When he turns around again, Robert has his head in his hands and he looks like he can barely breathe. "Rob, babe, Robert look at me." Aaron's saying, and it's frightening how slowly Robert lifts his head as if he's ashamed. "You're not like him, not when it comes to make your kids cry okay?"

Robert winces, "I am though." He whispers, gulps hard as he feels Aaron press a kiss to his head and tell him he isn't, over and over again. "And he'll hate me." He says, like he knows it for certain.

Aaron comes even closer and then raises Robert's chin. "He won't _ever_ hate you." He says, feels guilty for making Robert feel awful in front of their son. "I promise you."

Robert bites his lip, "Yeah?" He suddenly needs all this reassurance and it's enough to make him feel like an idiot.

Aaron nods, "Yeah." He promises before he's stroking at Robert's face and kissing him gently. "I'm sorry about your dad's headstone." He whispers, because he's been an idiot, he hasn't even said that.

Robert sighs. "It's fine." He shakes his head and smiles a little at Aaron. "I should have just told you how I felt about it." He says, "Instead of blocking it all out." He gulps.

Aaron nods, for a second he's just soaking in how vulnerable and soft Robert looks in the moonlight and he's filled with all this need to protect him and adore him and keep him safe from anything which will make him feel guilty or want to cry.

"I do love you, I really _really_ do." Aaron tells him, has a hand over Robert's and a soft smile on his face which takes the older man by surprise. "I didn't mean to be so - I don't know -"

"Hey." Robert slowly moves a hand over Aaron's thigh. "We're both just a little overtired aren't we?" He says, decides to kiss Aaron and pull a hand through the younger man's hair. "I love you." He says, means it as it washes over him.

Aaron nods, there's a sparkle in his eye and he knows that they'll probably fight again in a few weeks time but it won't mean a thing, not when they have these moments where Annie's fallen asleep without her bottle and Robert is telling him he loves him and everything is good in the world.

Everything is just good.

"I'll probably always have shit issues with my dad." Robert tells Aaron quickly, eyes almost glossing over. "But I won't - I promise I won't take it out on you again like that, or even try and bring up -"

Aaron tenses, "Okay." He says, because it hit a nerve and made things feel strange and hollow. "I know you're sorry." He gets out and then looks towards Annie. "I'm going to get her up to bed." He whispers as he cradles his daughter in his arms and looks back towards Robert who's just staring at him. "What?" He says with a smile.

And Robert feels something tingle through him without warning. He feels something almost _tell_ him that it's going to be okay, that he won't turn out like his father, he won't snap and treat his children like Jack used to behave sometimes.

"Nothing." He says, comes closer and kisses Aaron's forehead before kissing at Annie's. "Best go read Jacob his story." He whispers gently, pulls away and can't quite believe that he gets to have this, despite his wicked tongue and his tendencies to block things out. He gets to have a family, gets to read his son a bedtime story, kiss his daughter's head before she's in her cot, gets to sleep close to his husband.

And he won't mess it up. He won't waste a second either. He'll do what his dad couldn't.

(He'll learn from his mistakes.)

  



End file.
